It’s official!

April 7, 2005 - 2:49 PM by Israelity

God damn it to hell.

Four years ago I moved to Israel. It took some time, but recently it has become apparent that the Zionist state has defeated me. This is not an attempt to belittle the any regional states that do not yet exist. This is not the forum, but I make the allusion to avoid further associations with evil – speaking of which…

I can now discern between the tastes of instant coffees.

A proper immediate reaction should be, “There are more than one type of instant?” Your correct to inquire, as I am to pretend this is your initial response. In Israel, various types of instant coffee exist. Following extensive research on the subject I can confidently opine, there is no reason for this. “But, the different tastes you speak of!” you may, possibly, be thinking. Well, it’s not so much a spectrum of good and bad, just an array of difference.

For the most part, all instant coffee tastes like shit. Jazzed up with enough sweetener (artificial or of the cane variety) and milk (the higher the fat content the better) the Dunkin’ Doughnuts effect is achieved. That is to say, even the crappiest coffee becomes a swallow-able concoction when dressed up to taste more like ice cream than the bitter, brown brew a sophisticated palate craves. Still suffering from pangs of doubt? Just ask the millions of Americans, fatties and college students alike, where they go when a caffeine craving hits. Well, go on.

“Oooh, The ability to tell the difference between flavors of shit!” you are undoubtedly thinking. Let me tell you two things: One, this is nothing to be proud of – advice applicable to this situation alone. Two, do your best to avoid pissing off men twice your size – carry that one with you to recall at the proper moment.

An explanation is in order. Allow me. My Israeli roommate brings back Elite’s Aroma brand instant coffee from his visits at home. Of late, Elite changed the taste of its Aroma instant. Though before and after are equally unsatisfying, I could decipher the difference in the new swill’s flavor. To double-check I made a cup of instant of a another brand and was extremely let down by myself – taste difference noted.

On the other hand, instant is really freakin’ easy to make in the morning.

This entry is NOT cross-posted at Ari Lives in Israel.

Share with others