Let’s go out to eat.

September 12, 2005 - 7:01 PM by Israelity

There are many factors contributing to my regular Thursday night tradition. I’m a student (poor), growing young boy (hungry) and willing to eat food in tiny portions off a toothpick (idiot). And so, it is with weekly regularity – not unlike my grandfather’s bowel movements – that my roommate and I head to the Mega supermarket here in Beer Sheva for a free smorgasbord composed of a variety of delicious food morsels (pellets).

As is the case with most traditions, our outing involves a carefully calculated strategy, pants with an elastic waste and a made-up, invisible god. We’re also partial to larger portion giveaways, such as the elusive whole cup of yogurt or, in its stead, any unattended food stand.

This past Thursday we headed straight for humus alley – the refrigerated section of the supermarket found in the back. All the dairy products, with the exception of butter and eggs which must be purchased on a kibbutz, and various prepared salads, such as humus (hoomoos), kroove adome (red cabbage in mayonnaise), eggplant (babaganoush) and tehina may be found here.

First, the yogurt lady caught our attention with her sumptuous variety of fruit filled, foil fastened canisters.

Though she was not giving away whole yogurts, she did fill ours to the top. A clear break from protocol that dictates only half the tiny cup be filled. Normally this wouldn’t matter. The key to an endless supply of food is getting past the embarrassment barrier. If you’re willing to take multiple samples, especially with the sample lady staring right at you, then you’re “in the zone” and will always be able to fill up on sampled goodness. But be forewarned, the supermarket security cams are linked directly to the country’s taste testing syndicate and you’ll soon find yourself on the Mega blacklist. So, eat up but be smart.

Yogurt can weigh a bit heavy on the palate. With a long road of tastings ahead it’s best to scope out intermediate courses to cleanse said mouth part. We find that milk – whole, sweet and flavored with vanilla or chocolate – works best. And so, it is off to the milkshake girl who, due to her youth and lack of seniority, is relegated to distributing her product from out of a shopping cart. So sad, yet so delicious.

With the appetizers out of the way it’s time to move on to the main course, humus. After all, why else would we have taken the time to head to humus alley? I bet you can’t think of even one reason! It’s never good to eat alone – that’s the first sign of an eating disorder. So if you ever find yourself in this situation, just ask the humus lady to share in a taste with you. It’s almost certain that she’ll agree. I mean, she is distributing tasty, tasty samples and deserves said treat herself now and again.

Humus is always best accompanied with something pickled, be it cucumbers, cabbage or horse wang. However, you won’t find an actual free sample of any of these scrumptious brine soaked delicacies in Mega. Fret not my easily fretable friend! In Israel, everyone’s a casual thief. There’s no logic more sound than that behind explaining victimless crime. Head right over to the pickle cart – just like grandpa used to have. But grandpa’s dead and left the cart unattended, score! Don’t forget to bring a toothpick with you from one of the other stands. You don’t want to be an animal and eat with your hands.

All this eating and stealing means one thing. You must give back to the community. Don’t worry, you’re not going to have to spend time with an old person or a paraplegic who speaks a foreign language through a handheld computer – what a nerd! Just put on an apron and help spread the good word, “meat is murder!” Tivol, the leading meat alternative brand not made of Soylent Green, is always well textured and heavily flavored so that everyone will like it. Go on, have one, don’t be shy.

Ah, here’s the horse wang selection! Gross, let’s move on.

These days, some supermarkets have extensive spice sections. The Beer Sheva Mega is no exception to this rule. Theirs is even complete with two women who prepare homemade food themselves to demonstrate the various uses of their oriental flavors. When you’re through sampling their superbly delicious potato pancakes, spiced olive oils and pasta salads feel free to jump behind the counter to express your gratitude – they don’t mind. Uh oh, the manager’s coming, which means it must be time for dessert?

Hands down, 5 out of 5 dentists agree that ice cream is possibly the most perfect food ever. No letters of complaint from my alcoholic friends – beer is in a separate category. Unfortunately, not all ice creams are created equal. The best ice cream in Israel exists at Orna and Ella, a trendy Tel Aviv café, where they hand crank that creamy box to produce flavors from vanilla and chocolate to almond, cinnamon and whisky. As for Nestle’s la Cremeria you’ve got to go with the krembo flavor or death. Luckily, it was krembo flavor night. I went back for seconds, straight from the container. Mmm…mmm…damn, that’s tasty.

No visit to tasting night at the Beer Sheva Mega is complete without stopping to say hi to Sarah (that’s her on the right). This night she was pushing a new variety of Shoogy – little frosted squares as opposed to the regular frosted flakes. Now, I’m exceedingly traditional in the sense that I want tiny, crappy marshmallows in my sugar cereal if I’m going to eat sugar cereal at all, but that’s my cross to bear – there are no Lucky Charms in Israel.

Sarah could sell ice to an Eskimo, as they say. Well, the Eskimos don’t say that because it’s a bit racist, plus they don’t like to bring too much attention to their stupidity. But Sarah is that good. She’s the Thursday night tasting superstar.

It was a hard sell but, despite my initial resistance, I took a Shoogy sample from Sarah. It didn’t hurt that it comes complete with little bowl, little spoon and, get this, milk. In the past we’ve seen Sarah hocking humus and a variety of dairy products. Admittedly, it was a bit disorienting to see her in the cereal aisle away from her home in humus alley but Sarah always has ready her secret weapon of TLC, manufactured locally in Dimona. It’s no surprise that she was recently awarded a cash prize for excellence following a visit by an undercover shopper sent by her marketing company. Kudos to you Sarah! Your smile and warmth do not go unappreciated and you make walking into a huge, faceless supermarket feel a little bit like home. We wish you the best of health.

And so we come to the end of our Thursday evening of food, toothpicks and money saved. But don’t worry, Friday afternoon is less than a day away and then it’s off to the non-kosher Russian supermarkets for a whole ‘nother round.

My blog is free.

Share with others