‘My wife’s pregnant!’

September 14, 2005 by · Leave a Comment
Filed under: General, Israeliness, Life 

This is one of those ‘only in Israel’ stories that are difficult to fathom or appreciate if you haven’t been here. But here goes.

After a late business dinner in Tel Aviv this week, I was fortunate to be offered a ride back Jerusalem with an associate who was traveling in a taxi driven by Itzik.

Itzik – a paunchy, white-haired salty dog whose age could have been anywhere from 55 to 75 – is one of those boisterous Israelis who don’t keep any opinions to themselves, and they seem to have opinions on just about everything.

In a gravelly, foghorn voice, he reveled the two of us in the back with his views of the news of the night – the Palestinians’ torching of Gaza synagogues – getting more agitated as he continued.

Travelling on Route 443 which connects Tel Aviv to Jerusalem via Modi’in and juts in and out of the West Bank, we arrived at a roadblock just outside our destination, only to face a long line of traffic awaiting inspection by a group of young Israeli soldiers.

Itzik muttered something incomprehensible, and veered into the right breakdown lane and began passing the cars and truck with increasing speed. He arrived at the roadblock just ahead of a tractor trailer and swerved ahead of him into the opening.

Now, having gone through many roadblocks over the years, and even manning a couple during my many stints of reserve duty, I knew that something was wrong with this picture. The soldiers weren’t going to take lightly to the fact that a taxi was for all intent and purpose breaking through a roadblock at 9 pm.

“Stop! Stop!,” I heard shouts coming from all sides, and I was just about to duck down in the back seat in anticipation of a volley of rifle shots at our back window, when Itzik stopped the car.

A young woman soldier in the pony tail holding her M-16 with two hands was the first to arrive at a sprint.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” she demanded.

Now, any rational person would have thrown themselves on the mercy of the court, but Itzik responded in a voice as agitated as hers.

“What right do you have to stop me? I have things to do,” he sputtered.

He then added as an afterthought, “My wife’s pregnant!”

The scene, which until that point, had been surreal but tense, came apart at the seams.

The two of us in back stifled laughs, the soldier – now joined by her comrades – didn’t know how to respond to this portly grandfatherly type telling them his wife was pregnant when there was no wife in the car, and Itzik, on his part, kept on ranting.

Knowing they weren’t going to win this one, the roadblock commander warned Itzik that the next time he tried a stunt like that, his license would be revoked, and we continued on our way.

I made it home in one piece, and made a vow that the next time I would take a bus.

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No need to go to Tel Aviv

September 14, 2005 by · 2 Comments
Filed under: General 

Oh Jerusalem, how I love you so. Your golden walls, beautiful museums, diverse neighborhoods, delicious hummous, amazing outdoor market, and, of course, the greatest strip club this side of Ramat Gan.

Huh? Greatest strip club this side of Ramat Gan?

Well, I’m not really sure if it’s great. And no, I’ve never been and have no intention of really going. Well, maybe I’ll walk by later today…but in any case, Jerusalem finally has a strip club to call its very own. Yes, it’s true. No longer shall Jerusalem be deemed the city of gold, but rather the city of bold. Bachelors no longer need to schlep to Tel Aviv for their last hurrah before they settle into wedding bliss.

How long do you think it will be before the first protest happens?

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Let’s go out to eat.

September 12, 2005 by · Leave a Comment
Filed under: Food 

There are many factors contributing to my regular Thursday night tradition. I’m a student (poor), growing young boy (hungry) and willing to eat food in tiny portions off a toothpick (idiot). And so, it is with weekly regularity – not unlike my grandfather’s bowel movements – that my roommate and I head to the Mega supermarket here in Beer Sheva for a free smorgasbord composed of a variety of delicious food morsels (pellets).

As is the case with most traditions, our outing involves a carefully calculated strategy, pants with an elastic waste and a made-up, invisible god. We’re also partial to larger portion giveaways, such as the elusive whole cup of yogurt or, in its stead, any unattended food stand.

This past Thursday we headed straight for humus alley – the refrigerated section of the supermarket found in the back. All the dairy products, with the exception of butter and eggs which must be purchased on a kibbutz, and various prepared salads, such as humus (hoomoos), kroove adome (red cabbage in mayonnaise), eggplant (babaganoush) and tehina may be found here.

First, the yogurt lady caught our attention with her sumptuous variety of fruit filled, foil fastened canisters.

Though she was not giving away whole yogurts, she did fill ours to the top. A clear break from protocol that dictates only half the tiny cup be filled. Normally this wouldn’t matter. The key to an endless supply of food is getting past the embarrassment barrier. If you’re willing to take multiple samples, especially with the sample lady staring right at you, then you’re “in the zone” and will always be able to fill up on sampled goodness. But be forewarned, the supermarket security cams are linked directly to the country’s taste testing syndicate and you’ll soon find yourself on the Mega blacklist. So, eat up but be smart.

Yogurt can weigh a bit heavy on the palate. With a long road of tastings ahead it’s best to scope out intermediate courses to cleanse said mouth part. We find that milk – whole, sweet and flavored with vanilla or chocolate – works best. And so, it is off to the milkshake girl who, due to her youth and lack of seniority, is relegated to distributing her product from out of a shopping cart. So sad, yet so delicious.

With the appetizers out of the way it’s time to move on to the main course, humus. After all, why else would we have taken the time to head to humus alley? I bet you can’t think of even one reason! It’s never good to eat alone – that’s the first sign of an eating disorder. So if you ever find yourself in this situation, just ask the humus lady to share in a taste with you. It’s almost certain that she’ll agree. I mean, she is distributing tasty, tasty samples and deserves said treat herself now and again.

Humus is always best accompanied with something pickled, be it cucumbers, cabbage or horse wang. However, you won’t find an actual free sample of any of these scrumptious brine soaked delicacies in Mega. Fret not my easily fretable friend! In Israel, everyone’s a casual thief. There’s no logic more sound than that behind explaining victimless crime. Head right over to the pickle cart – just like grandpa used to have. But grandpa’s dead and left the cart unattended, score! Don’t forget to bring a toothpick with you from one of the other stands. You don’t want to be an animal and eat with your hands.

All this eating and stealing means one thing. You must give back to the community. Don’t worry, you’re not going to have to spend time with an old person or a paraplegic who speaks a foreign language through a handheld computer – what a nerd! Just put on an apron and help spread the good word, “meat is murder!” Tivol, the leading meat alternative brand not made of Soylent Green, is always well textured and heavily flavored so that everyone will like it. Go on, have one, don’t be shy.

Ah, here’s the horse wang selection! Gross, let’s move on.

These days, some supermarkets have extensive spice sections. The Beer Sheva Mega is no exception to this rule. Theirs is even complete with two women who prepare homemade food themselves to demonstrate the various uses of their oriental flavors. When you’re through sampling their superbly delicious potato pancakes, spiced olive oils and pasta salads feel free to jump behind the counter to express your gratitude – they don’t mind. Uh oh, the manager’s coming, which means it must be time for dessert?

Hands down, 5 out of 5 dentists agree that ice cream is possibly the most perfect food ever. No letters of complaint from my alcoholic friends – beer is in a separate category. Unfortunately, not all ice creams are created equal. The best ice cream in Israel exists at Orna and Ella, a trendy Tel Aviv café, where they hand crank that creamy box to produce flavors from vanilla and chocolate to almond, cinnamon and whisky. As for Nestle’s la Cremeria you’ve got to go with the krembo flavor or death. Luckily, it was krembo flavor night. I went back for seconds, straight from the container. Mmm…mmm…damn, that’s tasty.

No visit to tasting night at the Beer Sheva Mega is complete without stopping to say hi to Sarah (that’s her on the right). This night she was pushing a new variety of Shoogy – little frosted squares as opposed to the regular frosted flakes. Now, I’m exceedingly traditional in the sense that I want tiny, crappy marshmallows in my sugar cereal if I’m going to eat sugar cereal at all, but that’s my cross to bear – there are no Lucky Charms in Israel.

Sarah could sell ice to an Eskimo, as they say. Well, the Eskimos don’t say that because it’s a bit racist, plus they don’t like to bring too much attention to their stupidity. But Sarah is that good. She’s the Thursday night tasting superstar.

It was a hard sell but, despite my initial resistance, I took a Shoogy sample from Sarah. It didn’t hurt that it comes complete with little bowl, little spoon and, get this, milk. In the past we’ve seen Sarah hocking humus and a variety of dairy products. Admittedly, it was a bit disorienting to see her in the cereal aisle away from her home in humus alley but Sarah always has ready her secret weapon of TLC, manufactured locally in Dimona. It’s no surprise that she was recently awarded a cash prize for excellence following a visit by an undercover shopper sent by her marketing company. Kudos to you Sarah! Your smile and warmth do not go unappreciated and you make walking into a huge, faceless supermarket feel a little bit like home. We wish you the best of health.

And so we come to the end of our Thursday evening of food, toothpicks and money saved. But don’t worry, Friday afternoon is less than a day away and then it’s off to the non-kosher Russian supermarkets for a whole ‘nother round.

My blog is free.

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Adding bounce to the checks

September 7, 2005 by · Leave a Comment
Filed under: General, Israeliness 

One of the reasons I’ve stayed in Israel for more than twenty years is the great banking system.

Seriously. Others may take every opportunity to slam the long lines, ornery tellers, and incomprehensible fees for every single transaction. But I ask you – where else can you have no money in your account (and actually be way in the negative column) but still continue to write checks, withdraw cash from the ATM, and for all intent and purpose, behave like you’re solvent?

I’ve managed to survive all these years thanks to overdraft – a remarkable system that blurs the distinction between positive and negative numbers (which would have come in handy in 9th grade Algebra). As long as I don’t stray too far over my overdraft ‘misgeret’ (border), which is based on a customer’s salary, savings, and how friendly they are with Julia, my bank’s financial advisor and amateur psychologist.

However, dark clouds are on the horizon. Yesterday I got a call from Julia. “I just wanted to tell you that as of January 1, 2006, a new law’s going into effect,” she told me. “You won’t be allowed to go one agora over your overdraft border any more. If you do, and you try to write a check, it will bounce and you’ll have to pay a fine. And you won’t be able to take cash out of the ATM either.”

What? I have to start keeping track of how much money I don’t have in my account? I have to start balancing my checkbook? I’ve managed to escape these adult responsibilities for 20 years, I’m not sure if I can start now, I moaned to Julia.

“Don’t worry, we’re going to have some loan packages available which will get you out of overdraft, and we’ll advise you on how to stay out,” she answered.

Great, I thought. This sounds like too much work. If I had wanted a tidy bank account, I could have stayed in America.

I immediately decided I needed to get a croissant and coffee, and ran downstairs to the trendy Aroma Cafe. But I didn’t have any cash, so I naturally went straight to the nearest ATM and withdrew a hundred shekels.

I didn’t check my balance. There’ll be time for that on January 1st.

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Chocolate and Cheese Vs. Milk and Honey: Why a tie makes sense

September 6, 2005 by · Leave a Comment
Filed under: General 

As Israel keeps its World Cup hopes alive last week in a tie match with Switzerland, I was reminded to write down all the unique qualities that the two countries have in common. I have lived in both countries and believe I have had a fair amount of experience in each to come up with this list:

1. Both Switzerland and Israel are very small countries
2. Both have a broad array of nationalities and tongues residing within their borders
3. Both have powerful and concealed military bases spread throughout their lands
4. Both have mandatory army service and reserve duty
5. Both have a strong nationalistic pride
6. Both love to eat chocolate sandwiches at lunch break
7. Both value traditional families
8. Both have jealous neighbours surrounding them
9. Both use “weird” languages that no one understands, except them
10. Both are well-known for food, either cheese and chocolate or milk, honey and hummus

I would’ve have liked to include number 11. and mention the Palestinian flag incident, but since this blog isn’t political…

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