You Don’t Want To Bump Into Him in the Supermarket

August 3, 2006 - 7:58 PM by Allison

Today was Tisha B’Av, a Jewish commemoration that involves fasting all day. And it made David Bogner quite grouchy. I don’t think it was a good idea for him to go supermarket shopping feeling so hungry.

Maybe it’s because I can’t eat today. Maybe it’s because I also can’t drink. Maybe it’s because I didn’t wean myself off of caffeine before the fast. But whatever the reason, I am in a foul mood today and am not to be trifled with.

The following people should please stay home today so I don’t have to kill them:

Those who enter the supermarket, place an empty shopping cart in the check-out line, and begin filling it by making multiple trips to aisles to retrieve individual items, thus assuring themselves the next spot in line no matter when they actually finish taking these endless forays into the wilds of the store. Invariably I will wait 20 minutes in line behind such a seemingly abandoned cart only to have the hunter/gatherer show up just as I’m ready to take his/her turn and indignantly say “Who do you think you are? I was here… didn’t you see my cart?” I’m always shocked when I manage to resist the temptation to squeeze and mangle anything soft and breakable in their cart.
Those who put a month’s worth of groceries on the check-out conveyor and then go into a trance. They stand there as their order is being scanned and do nothing… absolutely nothing. They’ve lived their whole lives here and still don’t get that they need to be bagging their groceries while the stuff is being rung up or it will take twice as long to get the hell out of my way. Don’t they understand that this is a dangerous game they’re playing with me?
Those who do either of the previous and then – once everything is rung up – they leisurely take out their checkbook and casually inquire if checks are accepted without a membership/courtesy card. Then they will ever-so-slowly begin filling out the check and balancing their account before tearing it out with excruciating slowness and handing it to the cashier. 7 times out of 10 the check is filled out incorrectly and the process has to be repeated (including re-balancing their checking account). Rest assured that during the entire 15 minutes it will take to summon a manger and get the check written out and approved (and re-approved), I will be teetering on the edge of shooting these people in the knees.

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