Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (Ashkenazim are from Saturn and Sephardim are from Neptune)

November 22, 2006 - 7:49 PM by

David opens this post by apologizing for his “sweeping cultural generalizations” but his observations are fascinating, and from where I sit, pretty on-target:

A couple of nights ago on my way home from work I stopped off at a home in Beer Sheva to visit a woman from my community who was ‘sitting shiva’ (the 7 day mourning period) for her recently departed father. This woman is of Moroccan descent and is (IMHO) the ‘alpha mom’ in an enormous Moroccan family that has branches all over the center and south of Israel. She is one of about 11 siblings who, between them, have around 90 kids (and even a few grandkids already!).

This shiva house was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Every room (I lost count how many rooms there were in this modest-sized home) was crowded with chairs for the visitors and mattresses on the floor on which the mourners reclined.

Dozens of women, children and pre-teens constantly circulated throughout the house with trays of pastries, as well as hot and cold drinks.

Unlike the Ashkenazi shiva homes I have visited where everyone sat around in one or two rooms talking in hushed tones to the mourners, there was a constant buzz of activity throughout this home as people entered and left. What was even more surprising to me was that my friend and her sisters were constantly popping up and making introductions and trying to make all the visitors feel welcomed and at home.

I have to admit it was rather off-putting to have a grieving person I had come to comfort ushering me around and introducing me to her extended family like an honored guest.

Tradition forbade her from serving me directly while she was in mourning… but she constantly gestured to this cousin or that nephew to bring food and drink in my direction, and she didn’t visibly relax until I had accepted refreshment.

I have always understood that there is often a distinct cultural difference in roles (especially gender roles) between traditional Sephardi households and the typical Ashkenazi homes with which I have more experience. However, even that basic knowledge didn’t prepare me for this Moroccan shiva house.

By and large the men among the mourners remained reclined on the mattresses and the male guests were seated and served. The female mourners were also sitting or semi-reclined on the mattresses, but they somehow also seemed to be in constant motion… popping up to greet someone, gesturing for one of the kids to bring a tray of food or drink to someone who didn’t appear to be eating or drinking enough, or standing and talking with women guests who had come to visit.

When it was time to leave I was shocked to find the woman I had come to visit walking me all the way out of the house and thanking me for coming. It may very well be that this is not typical and she was simply unable to switch off her ‘hostess/uber-mom mode’ long enough to properly mourn, but it seemed to me that she wasn’t the only woman among the mourners who was also busy acting as hostess. Her mother (the matriarch of the family) was really the only woman in the room who, like the men, remained seated and was completely doted upon by the others present.

On the way home, all I could think about was a politically-incorrect observation a friend once shared with me during our dating days.

He said, “I don’t believe in just one perfect match for each person… but I do believe in certain combinations of culture/personality that are more likely to succeed than others. For example, in my opinion the perfect match is an Ashkenazi man and a Sephardi woman. She probably comes from a home where the women are more attentive to the comfort and needs of the men… basically a patriarchal tradition, while he likely comes from a matriarchal tradition where the men basically do as they are told. In such a match, both the husband and wife will feel as though they have won lotto because their spouse treats them like royalty.”

“However”, he went on to say, “the worst match is an Ashkenazi woman and a Sephardi man He is used to his mother and sisters being attentive to his needs, and she comes from a home where the men take much more direction (to put it lightly) from the women. Both of them end up feeling as though something is terribly wrong but will have a lot of trouble articulating what is bothering them.” [ed. note: In fairness I've seen with my own eyes many, many cases that prove this is not necessarily so].

Now obviously my friend and I were speaking privately at the time, and his comments were – at best – a terrible over-generalization… and at worst, an unfortunate ethnic slur. But my experience last night at this Moroccan shiva house stirred up the memory of that long-ago conversation and left me wondering at the incredible cultural nuances and distinctions that exist within the global Jewish community. I am not writing any sort of cultural dissertation here… and certainly not passing any sort of judgment. I’m just sharing my observations and passing thoughts.

Oh, One more thing. While I was sitting there in the shiva house watching in wonder as the women scurried around serving refreshments and the men reclined comfortably on the mattresses, I could feel my wife communicating with me telepathically, saying “Yeah right, cowboy… in your dreams!”. :-)

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Comments

One Comment on Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (Ashkenazim are from Saturn and Sephardim are from Neptune)

  1. David All on Fri, Nov 24th 2006 11:40 PM

    2. This sounds a lot like my own family (Christian). My Dad’s family is stoic Midwest Farm types (yes, yes they are just like the painting of the farmer with his wife & pitchfork!) that usually makes short, if sometimes sharp, statements. My Mom’s parents immigrated from Italy and they behave a lot like the their fellow Mediterrans, the Sephardic, especially the part about the women waiting on the men like they are servants. This is something always drives my Dad up the wall!

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