“Now boarding…rows Aleph thru Zayin”

January 3, 2007 by · 1 Comment
Filed under: General, Travel 

The last week of the year…always a popular week to travel. In the States, a time to turn on your “out of office” and use your unusued vacation days. And in Israel, a time to welcome the flood of Americans who visit Israel on a mission, a school trip, work-related event, or stam (just because). A few hundred of those visitors are here this week visiting their kids on Year Course which means a few extra work events for me, meeting with parents and showing them what their kids have been up to for the last 4 months). One of these events happens to be in Eilat, a gala dinner for all of our British participants and their parents. When the opportunity arose to take my first domestic flight within Israel (and recap it for you, my loyal readers), you can bet I jumped at it.

  • Dov Hoz Airport (“Sde Dov“) resides just a hop, skip, and a jump from the port of Tel Aviv. This was by far the smallest airport I’d ever flown from. The inside was one room and from the feel of the waiting area/café, we could have been in the middle of rural Kansas (with the rednecks replaced by arsim).

typos.jpg
How many spelling mistakes did you find? If you said “three”, you win! (If you didn’t, please email me your picture so I can make fun of you in my next entry.)

  • The security guy at Arkia Airlines interrogates us far less intrusively than the El Al guys. Are the Arkia security guys like Canadian Football League players who dream of one day making it to the big-time? While based on nothing factual, I feel safer knowing the flight originates and ends IN ISRAEL. Is security even necessary? “I’m going to ask you a few questions: at any point, did someone…no proh-blem, enjoy your flight!”
  • I consider filling out an Arkia luggage tag before deciding against it. IT’S ARKIA! Where could my bag possibly get lost? “Hello, Meester Lovitt? I know these sounds crazee seeing that we fly between Tel Aviv and Eilat, but your bag ended up in Tallahassee. It’s the damndest thing!“
  • A woman asks “kamah stand-bys yesh?” It’s a good thing she only needs one stend-by. I don’t know if it’s possible to get two stend-byot.

baggage claim.jpg
“Security, come in, security, come in. We have an unidentified sitter. OVER.”

  • After engaging in the annual “who’s the most attractive person in the office?” conversation, my co-workers and I prepare to board the tiny plane. Here we go…I’m walking up the stairs…I’m entering, and…? It’s a normal plane. How disappointing. I was hoping for something special to Israel, like a staff of scantily-clad Bar Rafaeli clones fanning us and feeding us chickpeas.

 39092062_43094478f2.jpg
What’s that? It’s been a month since the last Bar Rafaeli reference?
Welcome, random Google searchers!

  • Ech omrim “mile high club”? Moadon 1.6 kilometers?
  • As we drive on the runway, I can see we’re just a stone’s throw from the water. Well, a stone’s throw for an athletic person. My throws usually end up in the ground four feet ahead of me. I think as a joke, Nefesh B’Nefesh should set up their table and welcome party in Eilat. Israelis would get off the plane, besieged by music, festivities, and “Welcome to Israel!” signs and think “What the hell???” (Actually, imagine any international airport completely redoing an arrivals gate with the language of another country, like a Hollywood set. They bring in a group of “extras” of a different ethnicity, completely freaking out and confusing the incoming flight. Would that be the best April Fool’s joke ever?)
  • “Everyone using portable computers are kindly requested to turn them off.” KINDLY REQUESTED??? An Israeli didn’t make that announcement! Call the army-SOMETHING’S GONE HORRIBLY WRONG!
  • The pilot translates his announcements into English. That’s nice of him but it’s a domestic flight! If I were the pilot, I’d say “Eets Yis-rael! FAHK EET!”
  • They just served me Yotvata chocolate milk. I LOVE ARKIA.

sea.jpg
“If you look to the left, you’ll see where our neighbors want to push us into.”

  • The Mediterranean looks beautiful. Seriously, has anyone thought about taking the Kotel and a couple of coffeehouses and setting up shop off-shore? Only praying when a lifeguard is present of course. Rejected Arkia slogans: “We loooove to fly, and it…..ehhhhhhhh“, “Arkia: No Davening Here”, “Security? Ha!”
  • What does Arkia mean anyway? Regardless, do any investors want to fund my efforts to launch a new airline, Arsia? If the Palestinians deserve the right to self-determination, shouldn’t the arsim have a right to self-transportation? They can build the airport in the Tel Aviv suburbs and distribute complimentary gold necklaces to first-class passengers. Air Arsia…coming soon to a…AHLO, BOOBAH! (I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore.)
  • “Thank you for choosing Arkia.” Choosing??? We’re flying Tel Aviv to Eilat, what other options did we have? Hooters Air?
  • In a record two seconds after landing, the man next to me stands up and starts walking to the exit of the plane. My co-worker Mike and I lock eyes in amused shock. The flight attendant attempts to say something to him but he disregards her.

That concluded my flight. 45 minutes and we made it to Eilat. Nicely done, Arkia. If only I knew how my bags ended up in Maui.

Happily cross-posted at What War Zone???

Tags:

Murphy’s Law and Family Visits

January 2, 2007 by · Leave a Comment
Filed under: Life 

When family comes to visit you in Israel, it seems that everything that can possibly go wrong does. Yael is having one of those visits right now. It sounds like, if nothing else, it is promoting family togetherness.

So my mother pretty much got off the plane getting sick. For 3 days she felt mildly blah and then on Monday night through Wednesday the poor woman was unable to get out of the bed (picture being seasick only without the sea. A lot). On the day she got really (really) sick it also rained really really hard. I woke up to discover there was (1) no electricity in the apartment. Opened the door to go flip the electric master switch dealies out in the hallway and discovered a (2) LAKE just outside my apartment. I flipped the switch despite my trepidations of being a crispy critter since I was standing barefoot in freezing water with more water pouring down on my head from the ceiling above. I survived.

Back inside my brother noted that there were sparks shooting out from the wall where the electric switch for the dud (hot water heating) was. And water running down the wall from said socket in the kitchen. Yeah, water outside on one side of the apartment, water inside on the other. The electricity went out again. I called the Vad Bayit. He would come in a couple of hours. In the meantime, no electricity and (3) no hot water.

He came, he examined, he declared the problem to be with the wiring for the dud –they ran the wiring straight down into the apartment from the roof so the water runs merrily down the wires and collides with the switch there. So we had to keep that master switch off (24 hours til it dried out, sort of) but could turn on the lights. Of course, (4)the refrigerator is also on that line….Yeah. In the meantime, he would fix the separate cause of the lake from the ceiling but not until we have a spate of 3 dry days in a row. Until then, when it rains there will be a lake. Happy happy.

Then, on Wednesday, in the afternoon (raining again of course) (5)the Internet went out. Just stopped working. I called. The phone tech guy would come on Thursday. My bro had to deal with him as I was off at work. The water that made the lake has damaged the phone line. He has to come back to fix it, maybe on Sunday. BUT my line is all connected to the line of the apartment below mine and so I have to try to coordinate with the people below me (who haven’t been home in days) so he can get into their apartment in order to fix what is wrong in my apartment. In the meantime, no Internet.

(6)The heater does not work. It worked last year when they were here but this year it just blows cold air around. So my bro and I went to the Ace and bought a little radiator heater. Have you hugged your heater today? (7) Hugging this puppy (tashlomim, tashlomim) is the only way to experience any warmth from it. And my apartment is more than an icebox with wind whistling through the (closed) windows. The poor family have been huddling under blankets. Then this morning (8) the bro fully came down with the seasickness. I ain’t feeling too great myself but I’m refusing to succumb. Well, for the moment. Bleeeeecchhhh. We had planned to rent a car and go touring on this past tuesday and wednesday. Nope, nope. Then we thought my mom would be better by today and we could do the touring today and tomorrow. Nooooooooo. Maybe Sunday? They leave on Monday. And (9)the rain. Lots of rain. Every day raining.

Tags:

Israel Stinks

January 2, 2007 by · Leave a Comment
Filed under: Politics 

That’s what the Jordanian king is saying….apparently we’re stenching up his Aqaba palace.Dave calls it the “Zionist Death Smell.”

Jordanian King Abdullah II has complained of bovine odors coming from the Israeli side of the frontier along the countries’ shared southern border, Israel’s environment minister said Monday.

Speaking to Israel Radio, Gideon Ezra said the smells, from a livestock quarantine facility, were blown across the frontier toward the king’s palace in the town of Aqaba, on the Red Sea next to the Israeli town of Eilat. Jordanian officials contacted Israel last week and requested the odors be neutralized, Ezra said.

Jordan and Israel, enemies for decades, signed a peace agreement in 1994 and now enjoy close ties.

In response to the Jordanian complaint, Israel has ordered the owners of the facility _ where imported livestock is held in quarantine before being released to farmers _ to clean up large amounts of animal waste that had built up at the site, Environment Ministry spokesman Sharon Achdut said.

Ezra said that upon receiving the complaint, Israeli officials immediately spread “deodorants” around the site to offset the smell affecting Abdullah’s palace, and that a thorough clean-up would begin within days.

“I think that when we get a request from Jordan, just as when we make a request of Jordan, it’s one country’s duty to do as much as possible for the other,” Ezra said.

Tags:

Page 8 of 8« First...45678

 

© 2012 ISRAELITY | Sitemap