Passover Seder – The Short Version

April 17, 2008 - 2:54 PM by

Now THIS is my kind of Passover Seder….

The Two Minute Haggadah – A Passover service for the Impatient.
By Michael Rubiner

Opening prayers:

Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)

Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview:

Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we’re free. That’s why we’re doing this.

Four questions:

1. What’s up with the matzoh?

2. What’s the deal with horseradish?

3. What’s with the dipping of the herbs?

4. What’s this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:

1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for
making decent bread.

2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.

3. It’s called symbolism.

4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:

Wise child—explain Passover.

Simple child—explain Passover slowly.

Silent child—explain Passover loudly.

Wicked child—browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover
: It’s a long time ago. We’re slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren’t so lucky. We wander 40 years in
the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice—you name it.

The singing of “Dayenu“:

If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would’ve been enough. If he’d punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, if would’ve been enough. If he’d parted the Red Sea—(Remove gefilte fish
from refrigerator now.)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL.

Comments

7 Comments on Passover Seder – The Short Version

  1. David All on Sat, Apr 19th 2008 2:39 AM
  2. When I was a teenager, a Jewish friend was the youngest child in his family so he got to do the whole “Why is this Night different from all other nights” routine, every year. Fortunately about half-way through the ritual his family started talking about other things, usually politics!

  3. David All on Sat, Apr 19th 2008 2:40 AM
  4. So I believe he would have appreciated this shorter version, thanks!

  5. Gasman on Sat, Apr 19th 2008 9:20 PM
  6. What’s with Kiefer Sutherlands picture?

  7. Stephanie on Sun, Apr 20th 2008 1:25 PM
  8. Gasman: Absolutely nothing i.e. no connection with good ‘ol Kiefer etc. aside from someone putting him into a cool Passover collage…You like?

  9. Mark and Laurie Berman on Mon, Apr 21st 2008 1:45 AM
  10. …and now for an abbreviated version of the Seder….

    We’re here. They’re not. Thanks God. Let’s eat.

  11. David All on Mon, Apr 21st 2008 3:50 PM
  12. Did not know Kiefer Sutherlands was Jewish!

  13. Dale on Thu, Apr 5th 2012 4:22 AM
  14. Love your two minute seder. Printed to take to my family tomorrow.

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