“Now boarding…rows Aleph thru Zayin”

January 3, 2007 - 8:00 PM by · 1 Comment
Filed under: General, Travel 

The last week of the year…always a popular week to travel. In the States, a time to turn on your “out of office” and use your unusued vacation days. And in Israel, a time to welcome the flood of Americans who visit Israel on a mission, a school trip, work-related event, or stam (just because). A few hundred of those visitors are here this week visiting their kids on Year Course which means a few extra work events for me, meeting with parents and showing them what their kids have been up to for the last 4 months). One of these events happens to be in Eilat, a gala dinner for all of our British participants and their parents. When the opportunity arose to take my first domestic flight within Israel (and recap it for you, my loyal readers), you can bet I jumped at it.

  • Dov Hoz Airport (“Sde Dov“) resides just a hop, skip, and a jump from the port of Tel Aviv. This was by far the smallest airport I’d ever flown from. The inside was one room and from the feel of the waiting area/café, we could have been in the middle of rural Kansas (with the rednecks replaced by arsim).

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How many spelling mistakes did you find? If you said “three”, you win! (If you didn’t, please email me your picture so I can make fun of you in my next entry.)

  • The security guy at Arkia Airlines interrogates us far less intrusively than the El Al guys. Are the Arkia security guys like Canadian Football League players who dream of one day making it to the big-time? While based on nothing factual, I feel safer knowing the flight originates and ends IN ISRAEL. Is security even necessary? “I’m going to ask you a few questions: at any point, did someone…no proh-blem, enjoy your flight!”
  • I consider filling out an Arkia luggage tag before deciding against it. IT’S ARKIA! Where could my bag possibly get lost? “Hello, Meester Lovitt? I know these sounds crazee seeing that we fly between Tel Aviv and Eilat, but your bag ended up in Tallahassee. It’s the damndest thing!“
  • A woman asks “kamah stand-bys yesh?” It’s a good thing she only needs one stend-by. I don’t know if it’s possible to get two stend-byot.

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“Security, come in, security, come in. We have an unidentified sitter. OVER.”

  • After engaging in the annual “who’s the most attractive person in the office?” conversation, my co-workers and I prepare to board the tiny plane. Here we go…I’m walking up the stairs…I’m entering, and…? It’s a normal plane. How disappointing. I was hoping for something special to Israel, like a staff of scantily-clad Bar Rafaeli clones fanning us and feeding us chickpeas.

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What’s that? It’s been a month since the last Bar Rafaeli reference?
Welcome, random Google searchers!

  • Ech omrim “mile high club”? Moadon 1.6 kilometers?
  • As we drive on the runway, I can see we’re just a stone’s throw from the water. Well, a stone’s throw for an athletic person. My throws usually end up in the ground four feet ahead of me. I think as a joke, Nefesh B’Nefesh should set up their table and welcome party in Eilat. Israelis would get off the plane, besieged by music, festivities, and “Welcome to Israel!” signs and think “What the hell???” (Actually, imagine any international airport completely redoing an arrivals gate with the language of another country, like a Hollywood set. They bring in a group of “extras” of a different ethnicity, completely freaking out and confusing the incoming flight. Would that be the best April Fool’s joke ever?)
  • “Everyone using portable computers are kindly requested to turn them off.” KINDLY REQUESTED??? An Israeli didn’t make that announcement! Call the army-SOMETHING’S GONE HORRIBLY WRONG!
  • The pilot translates his announcements into English. That’s nice of him but it’s a domestic flight! If I were the pilot, I’d say “Eets Yis-rael! FAHK EET!”
  • They just served me Yotvata chocolate milk. I LOVE ARKIA.

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“If you look to the left, you’ll see where our neighbors want to push us into.”

  • The Mediterranean looks beautiful. Seriously, has anyone thought about taking the Kotel and a couple of coffeehouses and setting up shop off-shore? Only praying when a lifeguard is present of course. Rejected Arkia slogans: “We loooove to fly, and it…..ehhhhhhhh“, “Arkia: No Davening Here”, “Security? Ha!”
  • What does Arkia mean anyway? Regardless, do any investors want to fund my efforts to launch a new airline, Arsia? If the Palestinians deserve the right to self-determination, shouldn’t the arsim have a right to self-transportation? They can build the airport in the Tel Aviv suburbs and distribute complimentary gold necklaces to first-class passengers. Air Arsia…coming soon to a…AHLO, BOOBAH! (I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore.)
  • “Thank you for choosing Arkia.” Choosing??? We’re flying Tel Aviv to Eilat, what other options did we have? Hooters Air?
  • In a record two seconds after landing, the man next to me stands up and starts walking to the exit of the plane. My co-worker Mike and I lock eyes in amused shock. The flight attendant attempts to say something to him but he disregards her.

That concluded my flight. 45 minutes and we made it to Eilat. Nicely done, Arkia. If only I knew how my bags ended up in Maui.

Happily cross-posted at What War Zone???

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Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n Cardiac Arrest

December 26, 2006 - 11:57 AM by · 8 Comments
Filed under: Food, General 

Boker tov (good morning), readers!  Benji here, first-time Israelity blogger coming at you from Tel Aviv.  More introductions later…but first, let’s talk about something we can all relate to.

We all remember our first time. The discomfort. Confusion. Wondering…”is this NORMAL?” Ah…I too remember my first Israeli breakfast. Vegetables??? IN THE MORNING??? American teenagers, cucumbers, and tomatoes don’t mix well, especially around eight in the morning. You won’t catch us eating anything red and green at that hour unless it’s Lucky Charms. Cereal and eggs…mmm.

Sixteen years later, I’ve reached a happy place with cucumbers and tomatoes. But it wasn’t until I talked about it with some of my Israeli friends that I realized that…wait a second, maybe we’re the ones who eat weird stuff in the morning (Americans, that is). Last fall, I found myself in an International House of Pancakes in South Florida with my Israeli co-worker Shirly (that’s Sheer-li, as in “sing to me”, not Shirly, as in Laverne’s roommate. By the way, what was the most ridiculous sub-plot of that show? The fact that the girls actually agreed to hang out with Squiggy, who clearly suffered from major social awkwardness, or that Laverne had her first initial embroidered on every single shirt? Let’s discuss…)

Ok, SERIOUSLY…what was wrong with this guy???

Shirly, on shlichut to the States, was shocked at the, um, CRAP that we Americans choose to eat for breakfast. Well, maybe not WE Americans, but at least the ones who keep places like IHOP and Denny’s in business. Check out IHOP’s staple dish for the last 20+ years, the Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n Fruity: two eggs, two bacon strips, two pork sausage links, two ham strips, hash browns, two fluffy buttermilk pancakes, and two clogged arteries (no extra charge). Not to state the obvious, but is it any wonder that Americans are grossly overweight? Shirly brought up the vast difference in the breakfasts that Israelis eat. Bye bye, donuts; hello, fruits and cheeses. Labane, white cheese (no other translation for g’veenah l’vana), yogurts, and of course, our good friends Misters Cucumber and Tomato.

Last week, my parents visited from the States. One morning, I had them over for breakfast. Cheeses, eggs, coffee, OJ, pita, and a large bowl of Israeli salad later, they were stuffed. “We don’t usually eat such a hearty meal for breakfast.”

Make sure to leave room for bacon and sausage links, Americans!

I recently spoke about this culinary divide with my Israeli friend Eitam who used to work with me in the Israeli Consulate in Atlanta. “I never understood the combination of bacon and pancakes! Salty and sweet together? That’s like putting whipped cream on your hamburger!”

Don’t give us any ideas, my healthy friend. Invention is the mother of Cool Whip.

Cross-posted at What War Zone???

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